Reply to Hey 40

Hey,

Don’t you feel you should be telling all that to a shrink? As you figured, I really have no time to indulge in your ricochets. Work is crazy. And it’s getting crazier. Everyone’s got problems, you know? So think about this. Putting yours on me is unfair. So I say to you again, get some help. Before things get worse. Because they will.

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Hey 40

1

 

Hey,

Today is just bleh. Just there. I don’t feel like stepping out today. I have enough food for Puppy and I to last days. So I don’t need to step out anytime soon. Puppy is gradually becoming a monster. I don’t think my room would be able to house us both in some months time. Imagine two monsters in an enclosed space. What else could go wrong? But I don’t feel like a monster today. Instead, my thoughts are darting about the room like stray bullets. And I’m in the crosshairs. I feel small. But powerful. Half the time I’m confused about everything. Why am I here? Why do I exist? Why is existence so painful and pointless? And why does no one care to ask these questions? I feel lost. Then found. Then lost again. I’m sorry, it sounds like I’m asking you these questions that have all sorts of obscure answers. Or no answers at all. I just feel I can share these things with you. I know you have no time to indulge such luxury thoughts. But sometimes I feel you’re like this wall I can talk to. No offence. You’re strong. Focused. And practical. And I’m just idealistic and metaphysical. Maybe I’m not meant for this world. Maybe death is the answer. Maybe death brings the peace that life can’t afford. But then why is it so fucking hard to take your own life? I mean, I’m so smart to know that death is the answer, right? But I can’t take that pill. Why?

Hey 39

1

 

Hey,

You’re wrong. I didn’t force love on you. Love is a choice, and you had your choice to make. You made a choice to fall in love with me. I didn’t force you. So let’s get that straight, please. And I’m getting tired of the insults. I need a clear head now more than ever. You’ve made your point. You don’t love me anymore. And I think I can live with that. I will try to live with that. But please, no more insults. That I can’t live with. You’ve always been better at throwing tantrums than me. All I want to do is live a peaceful life. I don’t want drama. All I want to do is love and be loved. Is that too much to ask? Why is life so freaking difficult? Why can’t we just love? Why is the girl in the busy walkway so sad? Why has the guy in the lonely subway been rejected over and over again? I guess love makes us sad in the end. You said I just kept going deep and deep. But really, is there any depth to love? Is there a limit on love?

Reply to Hey 37

1

 

Hey,

This is the kind of thing I hate. You make me regret making that pact with you. What part of it’s over don’t you understand? WE ARE DONE. And there’s nothing you can say to change that. I didn’t understand your love or whatever. I don’t fucking care. What good has your love done to you? You just come up with these bullshit and think you’re making sense. Well, think again! Because only you exists in that shrinking bubble of yours. And no one wants to join you there. Telling me that I don’t understand love is one of your pitiful attempts at making sense. But it’s all senseless. What has the mind’s eye got to do with it. You think I don’t know of the mind’s eye? What has all these things got to do with love?! You make up trash and expect the world to digest it. You know what I think your problem is? You got too much time on your hands! If you were actually working, then you won’t put so much thought into something as simple and instinctive as love. Get a job. I’ve told you before. Get a life. And remember that the pact didn’t include reading the letters. I’ve told you before, I could decide not to read your letters anymore. I’ve been pitying you and you’ve been stretching it. Consider this your last warning.

Hey 36

1

 

Hey,

Puppy fell ill. I took him to the vet. He’s doing just fine too. It’s strange how having a dog around forces me to go outside and mingle. I think it’s a good sign. Hey, you don’t check up anymore. Not that you often do though. But I feel a tad good when you reply my letter. We made a pact, you know? And you have to keep your end of the pact. I remember how we would write letters to each other, envelop them and put them under the pillow. I’d find mine and suddenly become flattered. Reading your letters to me was always a delight. They were more vibrant and filled with love than now. I know things have change, but I’m just saying. I don’t expect you to love me like you did while we were still together. But I guess you can care more.

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