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Reply to Hey 40

Hey,

Don’t you feel you should be telling all that to a shrink? As you figured, I really have no time to indulge in your ricochets. Work is crazy. And it’s getting crazier. Everyone’s got problems, you know? So think about this. Putting yours on me is unfair. So I say to you again, get some help. Before things get worse. Because they will.

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Hey 40

1

 

Hey,

Today is just bleh. Just there. I don’t feel like stepping out today. I have enough food for Puppy and I to last days. So I don’t need to step out anytime soon. Puppy is gradually becoming a monster. I don’t think my room would be able to house us both in some months time. Imagine two monsters in an enclosed space. What else could go wrong? But I don’t feel like a monster today. Instead, my thoughts are darting about the room like stray bullets. And I’m in the crosshairs. I feel small. But powerful. Half the time I’m confused about everything. Why am I here? Why do I exist? Why is existence so painful and pointless? And why does no one care to ask these questions? I feel lost. Then found. Then lost again. I’m sorry, it sounds like I’m asking you these questions that have all sorts of obscure answers. Or no answers at all. I just feel I can share these things with you. I know you have no time to indulge such luxury thoughts. But sometimes I feel you’re like this wall I can talk to. No offence. You’re strong. Focused. And practical. And I’m just idealistic and metaphysical. Maybe I’m not meant for this world. Maybe death is the answer. Maybe death brings the peace that life can’t afford. But then why is it so fucking hard to take your own life? I mean, I’m so smart to know that death is the answer, right? But I can’t take that pill. Why?

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Hey 39

1

 

Hey,

You’re wrong. I didn’t force love on you. Love is a choice, and you had your choice to make. You made a choice to fall in love with me. I didn’t force you. So let’s get that straight, please. And I’m getting tired of the insults. I need a clear head now more than ever. You’ve made your point. You don’t love me anymore. And I think I can live with that. I will try to live with that. But please, no more insults. That I can’t live with. You’ve always been better at throwing tantrums than me. All I want to do is live a peaceful life. I don’t want drama. All I want to do is love and be loved. Is that too much to ask? Why is life so freaking difficult? Why can’t we just love? Why is the girl in the busy walkway so sad? Why has the guy in the lonely subway been rejected over and over again? I guess love makes us sad in the end. You said I just kept going deep and deep. But really, is there any depth to love? Is there a limit on love?

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Reply to Hey 38

1

 

Hey,

Let’s get one thing straight. I didn’t beg for your love. Okay? Remember how we met? You were buzzing me on Facebook, telling me how you understand how I feel about not landing a job yet, talking about how the system is flawed and all that. You came to me. Not the other way around. So stop bantering about how I can’t love and how you love me. I didn’t ask for it. We got together, and I tried my best to love you. But over time I just realized that you were one impossible person to love. Love wasn’t okay for you. You just kept going deep and deep comparing love to things that had nothing to do with love. I had to breathe, okay? That is why we’re not together, because you fuck everything up. It’s you. It’s what you do. And now we’re broken up and you still want to fuck it up. Common! Is there any limit to your fucked up state?

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Hey 38

1

 

Hey,

I know what you expect me to do right now is to beg again and promise not to get you angry next time. Have you realized how many ‘last warnings’ you’ve given me recently? You’re good at this. No. You’re great at this. Torturing me. You know the things to say to get me kneeling at your feet. But not this time. Do your worst. I won’t beg you to be human. What have I done to you? Is it a crime to love you? Yea! I love you! I know that looks like the biggest mistake of all time, but I do. You can make me regret it all you want, but I love you, because I still think of you, of us. I just don’t know why you can’t love me back. Why is it so hard for you to love me back. Am I not loveable? Am I not deserving of love? Why is your heart stony toward me? You’re like this wall that just won’t crack. But then you’re not a wall, you’re a human being that wants so badly to be a wall. A heart of stone. I think it’s better for me to be in my bubble and be sensitive than for me to be out there and be walking dead.